The sting of insignificance hits me now. I am feeling .. sad, depressed. I try and play something inspiring on the radio. Disappointed. Yet again. Disappointed in myself.. in others. I work to impress and show my worth. She returns snide remarks that the alignment is wrong and it looks sloppy. I just saved them 3 days worth of work and she's worried about the forms being mis-aligned? A simple fix of the return key and we're fine.. but the criticism still burning in my brain.
I come home and it's still the same. Dark, dreary, deafening silence of morgue. No life here.
No matter how far I've come, no matter how much I do, I still end up in the exact same place I was 16 years ago. It's a frigid cold place. Inescapable.
I wasn't always like this. Once I was adored, loved, marvelous, captivating. Once there wasn't anything I couldn't accomplish. Once, a lifetime ago, I was whole.
Then, the door was closed. The rain came down. I split into a thousand pieces. Each day a new person emerged, a new character I played. Then one day, I realized I lost myself. She's still in that frigid tundra too scared to leave and unable to find her way out.
There's no one to blame here. There's only a cry for help. There's only the somber humble hope that someone come rescue me. I used to find release in the flesh, but alas, how fleeting and fickle we are. How destructive we are to ourselves. I rationalize every addiction. I try to hide my deviant tendencies all the while still looking for the next high.
Now I look high above it all. I remember a dream I once had... Jesus on a white horse. Meeting him on a steep slope of a hill. We are discussing something but I can't remember what it is.. I just remember feeling at peace. It's white with snow everywhere yet I'm warm and content.
High above, none of this matters. I am exactly where I should be. I am doing exactly what I must. Surviving. I am learning to rid myself of this selfish internalizing. See life through the eyes of others. Bear their burdens. Suffer with them. Love through the grace only HE can give and.. allow others to see the real me. Stop trying to be the best, outsmart them, stop talking over them, stop trying to impress them and just be me: pitiful and lost and hopeless. Just like everyone else. The search continues for that piece of me.
In Heaven, we'll be our perfect selves and never stop laughing. For now, we learn to laugh in the midst of chaos and destruction and realize the battle is already won.