Book Review: I'm No Angel

I'm No Angel by Kylie Bisutti

Many thanks to Tyndale Publishing for sending me a complimentary copy of I'm No Angel by Kylie Bisutti.

Kylie's memoir gave a front row seat to the world of modeling from the bottom all the way to when she became a Victoria's Secret Angel. It was a fascinating piece and also heartbreaking to see what these young girls go through all for the pursuit of being beautiful.

Kylie learned her true worth in Christ Jesus. The scriptures before every chapter were spot on. A very quick read and ... yes.. she DOES tell you what Victoria's Secret is.

The real hero in the story is her husband Mike. He treated her with respect, allowed her to follow her dreams even when he knew it wasn't in her best interest or in the best interest of their new marriage. He fought his battles with prayer. He asked the Lord to open his wife's eyes. It was his example that really left an impression. "...The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective," James 5:16.



The best parts of the book:

"I believe God allowed me to walk through the fire and see the best and the worst the industry had to offer so I could come out on the other side stronger and wiser, with my eyes fully opened to the truth. And now I believe He is calling me to share what I’ve learned, with the hope that other people won’t have to learn the hard way, as I did."

"But deep down, both of us desperately longed for the glamorous life we imagined Victoria's Secret Angels led - the attention, the fashion, the fame. I had no idea yet how empty and unsatisfying that lifestyle could be."



"Mike sat beside me, took my hand, and prayed - for us, for our day together, and for the many days we hoped to share together down the road. I don't know if it was the summer sunshine, God's sovereignty, or simply being this close to the man I loved, but I couldn't remember ever feeling so happy, so safe, and so loved as I did in that moment."

"I knew that Photoshop was used to get rid f blemishes or scars for print ads - especially for closeups - but I had no idea they would completely alter the way a model's body looked. Even when I'd dropped all the way down to 108 pounds my waist hadn't been that tiny."

"As Mike held me and I shared my dawning realization with him, I could practically feel the relief pulsing through his arms.
    'Thank God, baby.' He gently rocked me back and forth. 'I've been praying so hard for you. I knew God would open your eyes to the truth. I just knew it.'"

brain dump 1

This is a space I've reserved to dump all the things taking up space in my brain and lay them at the feet of this world.
In the end, I hope this practice releases me from all its entanglements and suffocation.

Void and loss

It's here.. right here in this chest, in my full belly, in my thunder thighs.

SHE.

Guilt sets in, then anger, then disappointment... then depression

SHE.WAS.THE.WORST.

You know who. I dare not say it.out.loud.

Dead all these years and she's still here haunting my very soul

pity when they die, they still don't leave.

They infiltrate dreams, decisions, words said in haste.

Oh how I wish she'd just die.

Oh what freedom it would give to me.

Alas, freedom isn't free.. isn't that the saying?
It requires bloodshed, sacrifice and more bloodshed.

Samson and Delilah by Peter Paul Rubens

HE.

doesn't see me.

All this time I tried not to admit it.

Lots of words said

Stunning silence of the words most longed for

Shared room and bed

Empty void of disappointment.

Day after day.

Forged tenderness
Shove myself in a place he doesn't seem to want

Too much talk,

No actions.

He doesn't want me.

Penthouse suite,
Beauty surrounding,
Sea beside us

But no cohesion.
Just excuses and resentment.
Resentment turned to bitterness
Bitterness into acceptance

And waiting.. just waiting.
For the silent Adam to become a man.

In the dark.

Friend

Today's 5 Minute Friday prompt: Friend

It's the pair of ragged pajamas that warm my soul;
The hot cup of cocoa after a long cold day
The smile of a stranger walking by
The million books I still need to read.
The ones that I go back to now and again.
The New York Times arts section
Pachelbel's Canon in D
It's the man who chose to call me his wife
It's the person that comes running when I've had enough of a crying child all day
It's my God that sustains me.

here I am... again

I made some remark about him not getting the milk last night.

He was disappointed in me again.

 “Why are you so mean?” he asks.

I seriously don’t know.

He’s so good. Genuine. Likable. Humble

I’m so rotten, a bad seed.

 

Sometimes I just need confirmation

Validation

That he too can fall.

But he doesn’t.

He never does.

I struggle to catch up

Trying to be good

Failing miserably

After

It's Five Minute Friday..

Yes, I realize it is Saturday.



Today's prompt: After

It was the moment when I finally got what I wanted:
REVENGE.
I had been planning, waiting, executing for years.
All for this one sweet moment.
I thought I would revel to see their suffering
I thought it would give me such great joy
To see Karma do its thing.
All I really feel is.. pity.
Wasted.
Silly
I spent a half a lifetime... for THIS?
Unfortunate.
We're all the same aren't we?
Broken bits and pieces of what we once were..
what we could've been.
If I had just learned to forgive
From the beginning...
Then I wouldn't feel so empty.
If I could just let go
And allow healing then I wouldn't be here..
Trying to figure out my next move.
For that ultimate high.

Easter 2013 -- "I Happy!"

It was a lovely day. A Sunday morning. We put everything together for Easter.

Set up the camera and tripod.

Little boy blue was thrilled. We blew bubbles, he squealed with delight.

We laughed in the light of the morning sun…In the day of our risen Savior.

 

I got some cute PJs to lounge around in the house. Black ones with polka dots!! I love them forever.

I got my man some Aqua Di Gio cologne. A scent that brings me back to 10 years ago.. the years of adventures, road trips, the beach, the silent conversations, the passion of life.

 

We went to church, a little 3 month old baby with fat cheeks studied me until he discovered my newly sparkly painted red nails that were his obsession throughout the service. Prayed for that family and all the people that worked this event to make it amazing.

 

Then it was nap time for the boys and time for me to make the pie. The amazing banana caramel pie that makes me shout Halleluiah!!

 

Little boy blue played in his crib and would have none of this naptime business. We wait for the rain to slow down, load up the car and head over the Grandma’s.

 

The children play and chase each other.

 

We sit down together for dinner.

We pray.

Little boy blue has us pray two more times while he leads in his Drewberish. We understand a little as he thanks the Lord for Mimi, Mummy and Daddy. He proclaims AMEN with the fervor of an old school baptist minister. We laugh. He looks around and says, “I HAPPY!”

 

We laugh again. We nod. Yes, we’re happy too.  

So happy.

Broken

"On Fridays around these parts we stop, drop, and write.
For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.
For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not."

Today's prompt: Broken

And the little boy sleeps.

Sweetly.

Knows nothing of this world

My brokenness

Just the sweet sound of rest

Someday he will be a man

It'll flash through my mind,

His first christmas

His first day of school

His big exam

The moment he receives his diploma

The day he marries

He'll know of My constant sadness

He'll know me.

But for now,

He sleeps

and I am.. perfect.

Remember

"On Fridays around these parts we stop, drop, and write.
For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.
For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not."

Today's prompt: REMEMBER

It's a new day
I am disengaging with my old self
It’s been a fun wild exciting ride.
It’s been a trying, heartbreaking, knock out climb.
Stop trying to fight the now

All the things I’ve needed, I have.
All I’ve ever wanted is here…

I need new eyes to see them.

I am Oedipus the King
Gouging my eyes out
With pins that hold up
My dead mother.

 

See with my heart
Love with my hands
Soothe with my words.
I remember too much of the past
I hold everyone accountable
For the things they no longer do
For the people they no longer are.

Forgetfullness – an amazing gift
A blessed curse

 

REST

"On Fridays around these parts we stop, drop, and write.
For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.
For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not."

Today's prompt: Rest

It was a beautiful Friday afternoon: I got my hair cut. I went to lunch at a lovely greek restaurant. My man and I watched a movie and took a little nap. It's a glorious beautiful day when I went to pick up my boy at school. We took a nice walk around the neighborhood. He and daddy are sitting in the living room playing with trains and tracks and it's a beautiful day of rest. Moments like these I need to remember. They need to sustain me when life is rough and the battle rages. For this moment, I try to be here.. now.

My Prayer Partner

This post inspired me to ask Kristen to be my prayer partner.

We started just about a month ago. Praying together via weekly emails has been a great blessing to my life. Kristen and I have known each other for years. We’ve done bible studies together along with being in a professional organization throughout our careers. We’ve celebrated, cried, laughed, griped and celebrated some more.

It’s been nice to have her as a prayer partner because she’s basically seen me at my worst and at my best. When I ask for prayer on particular issue in my marriage, she knows how irritating I can be with my constant perfectionist nature. She knows if the cast of characters around me don’t follow the script that I forgot to give them, it’s maddening to be around me. She knows which scripture to pray and asks the Lord to cover me with me with his peace. She gives wise counsel I know is from the Lord above.

 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:19-20