Monday, April 7, 2014

Writer

I see the world through different eyes
Life’s song in various melodies and proofs
Beauty in the ashes of destruction
Hope amidst the storms
Peace in the chaos
I relay the words, thoughts, and gifts
I give my heart, myself through these words
I am… the writer.
 
 

Saturday, March 8, 2014

On Divorce

I am a child of divorce, an innocent bystander at the age of eleven, a casualty of war.
 
There's no real way to describe the terror and destruction left behind:
The pain,
the guilt,
the anger...
remains long after they have left this world.
 
I heard a sermon that helped me see outside of myself, outside of my pain and gain a perspective on the other side: my mother's side of this whole thing.
 
I never gave her much credit while she was living. I never valued her then... or now. 
She was a victim of a mental illness. Although she couldn't help the way she behaved, it still hurt and paralyzed me.
 
I respond in mean and hurtful ways to those that love me because of the years of abuse I endured. It's clear now to me that I fear acceptance, love and family. Somewhere in this brain I am afraid this will all come crashing down and explode; leaving me again amongst the ruins. I walk around with reptilian skin... anyone who touches me will be poisoned with my venom.
 
I never thought of her and her pain of rejection when my dad wanted a divorce. Even when they got back together a couple years later, she was still haunted... I can see how it killed her inside. She was dead long before she passed away years ago.
 
I have trouble honoring her in a meaningful way... then again she's another poor soul, a victim, another casualty of war.
 
Someday, I will let it all go and shed this skin.
 
 
 
 

Monday, February 10, 2014

The script

These days are fatigued and long
Anticipation, then dread.

I wish I had a script
A character to get into
A plan of action
Makeup and wardrobe

Then I remembered..
I do have a script.
It's been there all along..
In fact I have about 11 of the same scripts:

 
 
 
Putting my head and heart in the word these next couple weeks. Hiding it in my heart and wielding it as a weapon when the storm comes.
 
 


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Address


The spirit of death resides in my home.

The minute I leave, I’m at peace.

Limit: the point of existence when my body, mind and soul have reached maximum capacity

Hell: I’m quite sure it’s right here

Monday, December 23, 2013

Invincible summer


The love of a good man:
He wakes up in the midst of cold mornings and illness.
Warms up my car
Defrosts and scrapes the ice off my windows
Packs it with all the essentials before I head off to work


On these brutal cold mornings, his actions warm my insides
I find within me an invincible summer

Sunday, October 6, 2013

WRITE

"It’s time to silence the inner critic.
It’s time to hush the voice that whines on and on about how you’re no good.
It’s time to cram out the distractions and excuses and take pen to paper, keyboard to screen and write.
It’s time to write.

We call it Five Minute Friday.

Where everyone writes for five, unedited minutes all on the same prompt.
This week, that prompt is the challenge itself, the dare, the scary.

This week’s prompt is 'WRITE.'"

----

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”  -Anais Nin

It was probably in middle school when I saw the high school production of Jesus Christ Superstar. I had a crush on the guy that played Judas.

In the second act, the character sings a reprise of "I Don't Know How to Love Him." He's tormented by his act of betrayal; disgusted with himself and executes one of the most painful, beautiful lines:

"Does he love, DOES HE LOVE ME TOO?!!"


Out comes the cry of my heart.

I didn't know the words I was asking all those years when I questioned life, Jesus, Grace. I could never put it into words until that moment.
Does HE love me:
The bad seed, the black sheep, the cast off?
Does He love me TOO?
Could he?

I finally came to understand GRACE in that one line.

I heard myself  in Judas and I accepted HIM into my heart finally. I believed.. sure, but never REALLY let Him in.

That's when I fell in love with theater.

There was magic on that stage. In the darkness I saw the light. In the stage, I saw myself.  There was magic in the song, in the voice, in the script. I've been in love ever since.

That one scene still comes to mind every so often.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

SHE

SHE
 
She hated me.
From the minute I was born.
I took her away from him.
I was now the most fairest of all.
No one noticed her anymore
No one cared.
 
She hated me.
She made sure I knew it.
With every word and every scorn
Every look.
I was the competition
 
She worked and worked to beat me down
She found every weapon to use against me
She knew what I loved and destroyed it.
 
Now she's dead.
Somehow she' still here
In my head.
 
 
 
 

Saturday, September 7, 2013

RED

Five Minute Friday

Today's prompt: RED

I see red when  I think of her.
She was my friend .. or I thought she was.
We went to birthday parties together
I stayed over her house
She shared her feelings of inferiority
Living in a rented condo and the rest of us living in houses
I dismissed her worries. No one cared.
We got older, went to middle school
She became two faced.
Spread rumors
Told the other girls I called them a bitch
Had to fend off the fights
The hateful stares
She made fun of my coat.. handed down to me
Never did keep me warm in the bitter winters of Connecticut.
I lost it once, the coat, I mean.
And by the afternoon I found it on the ground in front of my locker
Along with my books and notebooks.
She moved on to a private high school.
Called me and had to tell me she applied to the top notch schools..
I chuckled.
I knew it didn't matter
No matter how educated she thought she was, she was still trash.
She knew it too.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

One day..

One day..
One day I'll wake up and make breakfast and it'll be a peaceful, beautiful escape.
Classical music playing in the background. I'll be overlooking my English garden
I'll read my books of poetry by the moonlight
I'll finally smile.

Today, there's whining toddlers whose sticky hands drive me to run away in the middle of the night
Today, there's a man I call who is not there. He disappears to feed his addictions lamenting on how unfair this world is to him.
I read the school newsletter and try to find something with the letter B.
It takes every bit of my brain


One day my home will be immaculate, pristine, beautiful.
One day I can wake up and have the TV all to myself.
I can work out, dance, laugh, and read ALONE in my living room.

Today, the carpets are nasty with stains that only boys can make
Today, I live in a clutter of matchbox cars, legos and half eaten pop tarts.
Today the TV is monopolized by football of Disney movies for 16 hours.
Today I just can never be alone

One day, there won't be the pitter patter of little feet
The dog will be somber and stay in the sun all day
One day all this will be quiet.
The dishwasher won't run every day
This man will bring me toast and tea and we'll sit on the swing
In front of the house and watch life go by

One day we will miss all these days in the trenches
One day we'll wish we enjoyed these moments
We'll tell the young parents, "it goes by fast.."
They'll roll their eyes like we did.

One day we'll wish for these days again.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Priceless


New shoes for an interview: $79.99
Suntan Nylons: $2.50
Styling gel to control my curly hair frizz: $3.50
New wardrobe for a new job: $367.15
Not dreading another Monday morning: PRICELESS!
Having a week off before I start: AMAZING!