Recovery, n or adj.?

Recovery, n or adj.?

Is it a noun or adjective? Shouldn’t I know this?
Isn’t writing my THING?

Recovery. It’s the thing I realized I am doing everyday.
Recovery. It describes this phase or the rest of my life.
I read this book, Captivating, by Stasi and John Eldridge. It’s really awesome. It’s a game changer. I needed it. I needed to find it at a friend’s garage sale. It was a magnetic force that led me to the book on CD. Seve verifies it. He tells me I have anger management issues. He says I need help. Help that’s he’s not able to administer. He feels verbally abused.
The word shock can’t even describe how I felt at that moment.

I wished I wasn’t this person that got angry and let my words fly. I wish I didn’t wield them like a knife to maim, kill, and destroy everything good in my life. I wish I didn’t exhibit this behavior that is so reminiscent of my mother.
There I said it. I’ve become the thing I hated the most. Now what? Now I duct tape my mouth shut and never let it out.

I have a place that I need to go to allow all this out. I need to write a book, a play, maybe. I need to act my aggression out. I need to act it out over and over and over again till it stops consuming my whole being. I need to get this down on paper before my body submits to the black hole in my stomach, It wants me… dead or alive.

Review: The Lover's Dictionary

The best parts of this book:

deciduous, adj.

I couldn't believe one person could own so many shoes, and still buy new ones every year.

celibacy, n.

n/a

fast, n. and adj.

Starvation and speed. Noun and adjective. This is where I get caught. A fast is the opposite of desire. It is the negation of desire. It is what I feel after we fight.

The speed does us in. We act rashly, we say too much, we don't let all the synapses connect before we do the thing we shouldn't do.

You make it a production. Slam doors. Knock things over. Scream. But I just leave. Even if I'm still standing there, I leave. I am refusing you. I am denying you. I am an adjective that is quickly turning into a noun.

posterity, n.

I try not to think about us growing old together, mostly because I try not to think about growing old at all. Both things - the years passing, the years together - are too enormous to contemplate. But one morning, I gave in. You were asleep, and I imagined you older and older. Your hair graying, your skin folded and creased, your breath catching. And I found myself thinking: If this continues, if this goes on, then when I die, your memories of me will be my greatest accomplishment. Your memories will be my most lasting impression.

exemplar, n.
You love my parents, I know. But you never get too close. You never truly believe there aren’t bad secrets underneath

belittle, v.
No, I don’t listen to the weather in the morning. No, I don’t keep track of what I spend. No, it hadn’t occurred to me that the Q train would have been much faster. But every time you give me that look, it doesn’t make me want to live up to your standards.

Personal reflections:

I think I've been all these definitions at one time.

This a beautifully written story. Really fed my brain. I had no idea how starved my head was for this kind of exercise.

This book made me geniunely thankful for the ability to read, to comprehend, to think.

Brillant piece. Really brilliant. Loved the definition of gamut. Such genius.

Tender

Linking up with Gypsy Mama for 5 Minute Friday:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking

Today's prompt: Tender

I catch a glimpse myself in the mirror. It's a far cry from the stunning 22 year old I was. I used to be lean and svelte with beautiful complexion and did I mention a body out of this world? I never really enjoyed it then. I was too busy trying to gain a little weight to be perfect. I wanted curves. Now I just want the lump parts to disappear. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and smile.

My eyebrows need done, I need a facial, my hair is crazy and my rounded face from too much fat.

I remember to be tender with myself.

I remember to be gentle.

I don't have to look my best at all times.  I look at myself again and realize this is also a time that I should enjoy. Years from now I'll regret not loving myself as I am. I look at myself again and realize.. I've never looked more beautiful.



Prayer and Fasting

Yesterday I decided to devote my day to prayer and fasting. I fasted until sundown.

Seve made stuffed pork chops. Mmm..

I had the most amazing restful peaceful sleep. I woke up when I was fully rested and felt refreshed, renewed and overall happy.

Love fasting.

Today I had some potato casserole and it was divine.

I love fasting so I can appreciate food again. It was a glorious amazing taste. And those baked beans, out of this world!

It was last Friday when I got the call

It was last Friday when I got the call.
It was my husband.
His father stopped breathing.
We all held our breaths
waiting
for word from the hospital.
Would they be able to revive him?
The moment came
We realized he already stepped into eternity
Devastated.
Head buried in my co-worker's shoulder
"Get it all out," I tell myself
I need to be strong for Seve..
I need to be solid and not fall apart.
The next hours are a haze
Running into the store to get some travel supplies
Throw things into suitcases
Hop in the car
Pick up baby boy
He doesn't understand
He's upset
It's no use
Meet up with family at a McDonalds
Drive the rest of the way following them.
Comfort
We arrive at the doorstep
He's no longer here.
Reality.
Amid mass phone calls, visits, appointments, shuffling through files,
The children walk into his room and ..
The words don't come.
We just stand there
hang our heads
eyes well up
Days seem like weeks
Then the day comes.
His body in the casket and all of a sudden..
It's real
He's really gone
Rest in peace I pray.
And he looks so peaceful, face flushed and sleeping;
He's not there
We tell the children
He's in heaven
One of the twins remarks his hair looks funny
It's so short
We laugh
Peace.
Be at peace.
He left a legacy of two amazing Godly men.
I have the privilege of being married to the youngest one
He's no longer part of our past
He's part of our future
We are sad
It hurts
But soon .. soon we will see him.
Until then..

A Christmas Story 2011

A Christmas Story 2011


Another Christmas at Seve’s parents place. It’s always so peaceful and free at his childhood home. I stay in pajamas most of the time and lounge, take naps, watch TV, read, surf the net. It’s a true vacation when you don’t have to worry about cooking, planning, preparing and all the mayhem that comes with having company. My mother in law is so gracious and special. She has EVERYTHING my little Drewlbug needs: a high chair, snacks, milk, favorite fruits, toys everywhere, and the crib all set up. She is the most amazing person on this planet.

My own childhood Christmas memories are..forgetful. Most years I didn’t know it was Christmas until my dad handed me an unwrapped new toy. No words, no hugs, no kiss, just one toy that I was thrilled to have. So happy not for the toy but for my father finally acknowledging my presence. I played with the new tea set for months at a time and imagined great stories for each piece and had wonderful imaginary friends that were always there to play with me. Most of my life has been in my head.

At my in-laws place, gifts are lavished and showered upon you. It’s amazing. It’s overwhelming. It brings up feelings of guilt. I get depressed at all that I missed out in my childhood. How broken and hopeless my family is. How glad I am not to be a part of the destruction. How sad I am that they’ll never know the joy.. the real joy and hope of Christmas. God with us.

This year I was just filled with gratitude that I didn’t have to spend Christmas alone. I was surrounded amid chaos and madness and laughter. Joy was all around me. I took a moment to look around and soak it all in.

Reflection:

We gave and received. We remembered the birth of our king. I think of Mary in that stable. It must have been cold and unappealing. She must have looked into the eyes of her sweet baby boy and forgotten where she was, who she was and everything else must have disappeared as the sweet angel face slept peaceful and beautiful. A silent night. Gifts came from the three kings. Small gifts, simple gifts.
Their greatest gifts.

Drewlbug was unhappy most nights in a new place out of his routine in a strange bed. Staying up with him and lack of sleep led to irritation of Seve snoring. I said some things that sent him out of the room. I don’t remember. I was too freaking tired. I planned, budgeted, and purchased all the Christmas gifts. I loaded the car up. I sacrificed. I gave didn’t I? I still come up short. I still remember the Gift the of the Magi. My greatest gift should have been a sacrifice of the heart…It should have been tolerance.

Connected

Linking up with Gypsy Mama for






1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

Connected.

So there’s this show on TV that I love.

Grimm.

Oh my gosh! I love this show.

The main character has the ability to see the heart of darkness of humankind. The underbelly that we all try to hide.

It turns out our fairy tales weren’t made up, they were WARNINGS.

To say that I connect with this show on a surreal level is the understatement of the century. I’ve always been fascinated with fairy tales, greek myths and fables. Somewhere in my deep inner sanctum where I believed and I connected with these stories as if they were real in another place and another time. So.. the question: which creature would I be? Or would I be the Grimm, the protector of humanity? Would I be the reaper? Would I be the vain creature that could control others with my charm? Am I one of them? Am I all of them? Are the fairy tales warnings? Or are they … prophecy?

REVIEW: Always Infinity

We interrupt this program to bring you the following:

These are the BEST feminine products ever. The Always Infinity line is amazing.

I would have never picked these up had it not been for the coupons.

SO GLAD I DID!!!

I’m pretty sure I’ve used every single thing since I was 11. This is by far the best protection ever. It’s super thin so you never notice it.

Your heavy days don’t stand a chance with these.

They are awesome.

AWESOME.

I keep a couple of these in my luggage, in the car, in desk drawer, and in the diaper bag.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

Review: Why Men Marry Bitches

The best parts of this book:

"So take off your rose-colored glasses and throw them out the window."

"Men tend to feel at ease with a woman who doesn't care so much because then he doesn't have to be fully responsible for someone else's happiness. "

"This brings up to the definition of a marrying bitch - aka a strong, spirited woman who can stand up for herself. The bitch is not rude or abrasive because she's smart enough to know that being considerate is more effective. But she won't compromise herself to be in a relationship. She won't work overtime to 'catch a husband.''

"There's a kind of bondage that comes with being in the mainstream."

"But if you've told him you won't 'waste your time in a dead-end relationship' or that you want to be married within one year, all you've done is tell him you're someone he needs to get away from. This is why being up front and 'open' doesn't work."

"The second you put your life on hold, you become less interesting."

".. Show him how he can be your hero."

"He'll go to the ends of the earth just to have a woman make him feel revered and adored."

"By being willing to tell him, 'I'm putting it all on the line and I'm willing to walk out on comfort and security to get what it is I truly want,' he'll often feel that he needs that woman. He can't exist without her. That's when she becomes 'the one.'"

Personal anecdote:

By the time my husband came along, I was so done with the games and men and dating. I was just done with it. In order for me to consider anyone they had to meet a very strict criteria. When Seve and I tell the story to friends he always jokes, "I don't know how I made the cut!" I was 25. It was my time to have fun enjoy life. We enjoyed life together. I put my foot down when I needed to and made no exceptions when it came to what I wanted. A  lot of the ideals and principles in the book came to me either by way of exasperation or accident. I just wished I had this book once I hit my teenage years. This should be a must read in the curriculum especially for high school girls. Sherry is hilarious throughout the book and she keeps you engaged with all the real life stories. There's even a section called, "Breaking Into The Boys' Club." Riveting! Get this book and a cup of tea, laugh away the afternoon and spread the joy by loaning it to a dear friend.

Remember

I was at the dentist on Thursday. They had to do a procedure which invoked the dreaded needle. The first shot hurt sooo bad that tears came out of my eyes. Oh my word. It hurst so bad. I laid there. I allowed the pain to seep in. I thought of something else. I thought of how funny we silly human are to endure this torture.. to actually PAY someone to do that to us.... Then as the tears went into my ears I remembered being a child and playing on the apartment stairs in the dark with friends. She told me that if you licked your tears you'd be smart. I was all about being smart. Being the best. For awhile I would will myself to cry so I could lick my tears so I could get smart. It worked. I was the top of my class... until sophmore year in high school. I stopped believing in the secrets. I stopped believing in myself. I just stopped.

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" On Fridays around these parts we stop, drop, and write.
For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.
For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not."