Happy Diwali

Happy Diwali

Today is one day when I truly miss my family, my roots, my culture, my heritage.
I've run far, I've run long and I realize I can't go back.
I am the original prodigal son.

Don't get me wrong... I am grateful for my life, my faith.
I just miss the majestic beauty of the rituals.
The lights
The new year celebrations
Cleaning like crazy
Cooking up a feast
Sharing with friends, neighbors, even those who have wronged you in the past.
It's a day of forgiveness, of joy and reconciliation.

I celebrate in my heart.. with a bit of pain.

Alignment

I can tell things are going in the right direction:

My mind is open, writing is more frequent.

I sing at all hours, there's all of a sudden room to dance.

Dear Book Out There in the Cosmos: 

My hands are ready to create. This world needs your story. I'm ready to finally write it. I will welcome you with open arms. 

Dear Muses: 

The table's been set, the candles are lit, the wine is chilled. I will make you a lovely feast fit for kings and queens. It's a safe place now. 

Awakening

Ahh.. breath. breathing. heart quickening.

Taking some time to refresh, browse, letting my soul fill. 

Here are the things taking up space in my brain:

"Fire Meet Gasoline" from the album 1000 FORMS OF FEAR by Sia, directed by Francesco Carrozzini

This video came up on my one of the websites I peruse daily: Nowness. I get my daily fill of art, music, film, dance, and some eclectic pieces I wouldn't have been exposed to otherwise.   

This video is.. all kinds of interesting.  Fire seems to be the theme weaving through my days.

Listening to Fifty Shades of Grey movie soundtrack. 

LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!
Nope, haven't seen the movie yet. I'm waiting till all three come out and then... THEN!

Favorite songs:

I Put A Spell on You, Annie Lennox. 
Ms. Lennox -  still got it! WOW!

Easy fun song to dance to... sway, and daydream.



I'm On Fire, AWOLNATION
Now, I love... LOVE me some Bruce Springsteen, and no one else can execute this song quite like him.

That is all.




Witchcraft, Frank Sinatra
This just makes me smile... for no apparent reason. It always has.


And.. I owe all this awakening to PIYO!

Into week 1 of 8 and loving it!

Today is a rest day and I feel GREAT! Clothes are fitting better, All of a sudden, I'm loving my pictures and feeling more comfortable in my skin. Easily finding my rhythm again and movement is becoming something I crave.

I feel so awesome; all it took was making some time for exercise, committing to it,  and getting some glorious, amazing sleep from diffusing lavender oil at night.

Oh I love my oils. Thieves is my crack, Panaway is my cocaine. Lavender... lavender is water. I can't be without it.

... to be continued ...

I became my dad yesterday

I became my dad yesterday.
I'm riddled with guilt and insufferable sadness
The abused became the abuser.
I didn't lash out with voilence or anything

I gave the look. I said the words
The violent devastating words that hurt more than the worst beating.

I made my son feel small and dejected.
He didn't meet my expectations.
I was ashamed... my stupid arrogance got the better of me.
My puffed up pride.

I thought I had transcended from this place.
I saw the moment of who he would be, who he could be, the lights, the glamour, the stories to write, the awards to win.

But he couldn't take the step, he didn't want to.
I couldn't force him.

And I was so disappointed.
I should have behaved differently.
I should have been better

I could have. But I walked away, washed my hands.
All these years of running and fighting to not be this.. this rotten bad seed.

Here I am standing in the same place.
Today is new, and I start over and realize how much further I have to go.

That I never took the step.
I didn't want to.

EIGHT

Could it really have been eight years ago? EIGHT?

Eight years ago, we got the devastating call. The one that made me howl out to the heavens.

Tears that just stream and won’t stop.

The news that made my heart stop, air is sucked out of the room by an unknown force.

Some way, somehow… the world kept turning as I decided to stay still.

Some way, somehow… the minutes became years and I laughed again.
My mourning was turned into joy.

 Joy unspeakable.

Breath came back to me.

Heart beats another melody.

Life came back.

Forgiveness bestowed.

Healing ensues.

Stories weave.

We step forward, sometimes we step back or turn. Sometimes we are still… and remember.

THEM

It's the morning dash. Trying to get myself and everything ready. 
Breakfast has been served, lunches made, bags by the door and now my hair has air dried and I'm ready to put my makeup on. 

I look in the mirror, grab my eye pencil and there they are again. 

THEM. 

The voices. 

The condemnation. 
The shame. 
They chatter amongst themselves and to me. 
Do their best to rip me to shreds and tear me down till there's nothing left. 

I used to think I was free. I struggle every day with these voices from the past. 
I breathe, put lipstick on, put a smile on and walk away. 

Tomorrow morning... they'll be there again.

dreams deferred

Building a marriage and family
I somehow thought..
it would end my loneliness

I'm still here
There
In the empty school parking lot

My parents dumped me off
They were too busy with other things

I was the burden
Undesirable

I couldn't speak
say what I wanted
needed

No.

I give.. EVERYTHING
every
ounce
I
Have

And I'm still alone

Empty
in
the
parking lot

Hiatus

Ok, so I know I've been absent for awhile.

I'm working on it.

It's hard.

Everyday I want to write. I want to be free.

I get scared... of.. EVERYTHING.

Of.. people knowing the real me.

I just... I just... don't know if I can.

I am working on it.

trying to write everyday.

I know it will propel me forward in ways I never imagined.

I know it will be worth the sacrifice.

I'm looking down and almost ready to jump in.

ALMOST.

SHE

SHE

 

She hated me.

From the minute I was born.

I took her away from him.

I was now the most fairest of all.

No one noticed her anymore

No one cared.

 

She hated me.

She made sure I knew it.

With every word and every scorn

Every look.

I was the competition

 

She worked and worked to beat me down

She found every weapon to use against me

She knew what I loved and destroyed it.

 

Now she's dead.

Somehow she' still here

In my head.

 

 

 

 

My life so far

1978: HELLO!

1979-1982: No recollections. Stories captured: Father was in the armed forces in South America. We moved around a lot. He decided to flee the socialist government and when he was successful, he coordinated our travel to another country.



1982-1986: Small still memories of living in Suriname , now Dutch Guyana. I liked my dolls and imitating my mother. She was not very amused most of the time. She was never really happy. I don’t remember smiles or laughter.

1986: Traveled on a plane to come to America . I wore a pretty blue outfit with eyelet designs. Stayed with my aunt and uncle. Then moved into an apartment across the street. Discovered TV. Been hooked ever since.

1987: School. Lots of kids that are clean, pretty with nice matching clothes that don’t smell.

I realize

I don’t fit in.

I hate myself.

I hate my family for putting me in this position.

1988: My grandparents come to America and live in the same duplex. My aunts are so fun and so beautiful. Home life rough. Parents always fighting. I run away to my grandparent’s place. They let me know very quickly I do not belong. I am not welcomed. What is wrong with me?

1990: I am smart. Very smart. I get sucked into the world of books, reading and studying. So happy and joyful. I live so many lives in my books.

1991: Moved into a house.. A HOUSE!! WOW!! Not an apartment with just a hallway for my room. WOW!! I have a room.. with a door and a lock!!! WOW!

Start at a new school. Not sure what’s happening to my studies. I’m becoming average.. normal.. no longer excellent. I struggle to keep up. I am drowning.

I meet my best friend. I start high school

1992 - 1994: Still struggling with school. No one cares though. It’s no longer fun to accomplish high marks. Now it’s expected. That’s the thing about perfection. You have to continue and keep up with it. It’s really hard. Lost motivation. Music is my only escape. Most days are go to school. Come home. Watch TV. Eat dinner. In silence. Starved for attention. Need affection, comfort. Love. Boys seem to like me. They think I’m pretty. Obsession. Got the internet. Met him. He showed me true love. He helped me understand how unique and special I was. He pulled me out of depression. Parents found out about him. Forbid me to talk to him. Spiral back down. Mother is overhearing and cruel. I can’t listen to her tell me how much she hates me anymore.

Suicide attempt.

Mother kicked out of the house.

Can’t wait to go to college. Decide to choose the one farthest away.

Parents divorce for the last time.


The Scream by Edvard Munch

1994: Victimized by a family member. Went off to college. Freedom. Finally. I belong. Father is getting married. She’s pregnant. I have been rejected/replaced. I was the draft version of his life.

1995: Boyfriends, partying, probation. Father cuts me off from college funding. Forced to drop out. Have no skills to figure out how to do it on my own.

1996-1999: Move in with a friend in Alexandria, VA. Eventually find my own place. Couple different jobs. Lived with boyfriend. Landed the best job in the world at an airline company. The world is my oyster. JOY.

September 11, 2001 – The day was mass confusion, heartbreak, fear. The world is ending. I lose my job 2 weeks later. I move to Houston with friends. I decide to rebuild my life and start praying.

June 2002 – Met the man of my dreams.

September 2003 – We join a church.

May 2004 – Married the man of my dreams.

September 2006 – Land a job that I could really make a career.

February 2007 – Mother passes away tragically in a fire.

March 2008 – Purchased our home!

April 2009 - Completed a 40-day fast. The Lord revealed himself to me in so many glorious ways. I was changed forever. Reset.

February 2010 – Gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.

2011 – Contemplate my career, my life and pray that I am doing what’s right for my son.

2012 – Received acceptance from my father. Learned to finally accept and love myself as I am. Once I loved myself, love came pouring in from everywhere. Peace surrounds. My soul… opened up.

The Annunciation by John William Waterhouse

 

I shoulda turned left

Here it is. My blog. A place to rant, rave and obsess about the things I shoulda said and done.
I have issues to letting it all out there.
But... Writing is my best therapy. This is my most powerful gift. This is where I will document the good, the bad, the raw, the ugly.
I will use this as a tool to show how far I've come and gauge how far I must go.
So let me explain the title.
I hate driving.
Just.Freaking.Hate.IT.
I can't drive. It took me six times and 3 years to get my license. Yes. 6 times. I shall explain each experience in excrutiating detail in future posts. For now, just know that I can't drive... mostly because I have no sense of direction.
Whenever I think I should turn right, I shoulda really turned left and end up getting lost on my way home... and I've taken the same route for the last 3 years.
But somehow, someway, I find my way. I don't know how. But I do. Most times I don't need to look, things just find me.
Welcome to my adventure.