I Saw The Sign

I have a tendency to gravitate to the idea that coincidences do not exist. When like things are coming at you, there is a message. Like 2 weeks ago at church when Dinah's story came up. I unearthed an old copy of The Harlot By the Side of the Road and Other Forbidden Tales of the Bible. It opened my eyes again to the magic and amazing storytelling within the pages on this ancient text. Then, Dinah's name kept appearing and through a strange set of circumstances, I stumbled upon The Red Tent The Miniseries. 

I was convinced Dinah was speaking to me from the grave with a massively important message. I got through the movie in about 3 days and the words hit me deep, cutting my heart in pieces and bleeding. Words need to be said, I need to stop asking why and lay this burden of bitterness at the feet of redemption.

I've seen this sign before, read the scriptures, but this time it was clear and unmistakable. The path was light up bright and I still just stand here paralyzed.

Then another message...

Our bedroom area has a bit of an electrical short. Every so often, I plug in the vacuum and boom! darkness. The mister has to go flip a breaker switch and we're back in the light. It's been happening more and more these days. Yesterday when it shorted, it took out some lights in the master bath. Not just any lights, the bulbs on my side of the vanity. I heard them speaking to me again. My fear of rejection is dimming the lights on our marriage. I stand still, frozen in time, unmovable, my pride taking center stage unable to let go and forgive.

Priceless

New shoes for an interview: $79.99
Suntan Nylons: $2.50
Styling gel to control my curly hair frizz: $3.50
New wardrobe for a new job: $367.15
Not dreading another Monday morning: PRICELESS!
Having a week off before I start: AMAZING!

My Prayer Partner

This post inspired me to ask Kristen to be my prayer partner.

We started just about a month ago. Praying together via weekly emails has been a great blessing to my life. Kristen and I have known each other for years. We’ve done bible studies together along with being in a professional organization throughout our careers. We’ve celebrated, cried, laughed, griped and celebrated some more.

It’s been nice to have her as a prayer partner because she’s basically seen me at my worst and at my best. When I ask for prayer on particular issue in my marriage, she knows how irritating I can be with my constant perfectionist nature. She knows if the cast of characters around me don’t follow the script that I forgot to give them, it’s maddening to be around me. She knows which scripture to pray and asks the Lord to cover me with me with his peace. She gives wise counsel I know is from the Lord above.

 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:19-20

Don't miss it

It's been a rough couple weeks:
Sinus infection that turned into bronchitis that turned into pneumonia.
Days of laying down in bed.
Caught up on all the shows.
Caught up on my magazines.

It was a rough couple weeks. I felt miserable, depressed, sad... annoyed to be so unproductive.
Then a moment came upon me. I moved my head all around panaromic style and realized how blessed I am in this sweet shelter of my home, surrounded by glorious paintings, the love of a great, tender man and the little hands that hug me with all his might.
Oh those little hands.
Those sweet cheeks that balloon up when he smiles. Those dimples melt me every time!

Accomplishing tasks, to do list and goal setting has been my life since ... since I had a first memory. These weeks amid the hacking coughs, the misty haze behind the Kleenex, between nebulizer treatments and nasty cough medicines have revealed another deeper layer.

I catch a glimpse of it every so often but it's fleeting and all too short.

This hiatus helped me see something that I too often miss.

This job.. here at home... is the most important. I can't give my best to a world that is fickle and give the leftovers to the ones who matter most.

This world often will disappoint. This world won't remember that you need your medicine every four hours. This world won't tenderly attend to your needs when you're down. This world won't be there at the hour when you're about to give up.

This home and the people that encompass it, they are the ones who deserve my absolute hardest work.

It's a messy, crazy, chaotic place. It's maddening and heartbreaking. Mirrors show your imperfections all around. No hiding behind spanx or makeup. Just you, raw and real.

This man: whom I share a bed with, who I share air and space, he loves me... truly loves me and all my insanity. He believes in everything I do. He thinks I'm talented and bright. He forgives all my moments of fear and forgets they ever happened!

And that little boy's face: the joy that sends him running to me like crazy, his blanket whizzing behind him. My body may never be the same, but to him, I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, even when I'm at my worst. To him, I'm the super hero that can make bubbles. Right now, I'm his best friend, his favorite treat, his one true love. There is nothing like this love of a child. So surreal, so cosmic, so beautiful. A small glimpse of heaven it is.

How have I forgotten this beautiful gift?

The gift of motherhood, the gift of family, don't miss it.. for anything!

It's been too long...

I know you haven’t heard from me in too long.

What I’ve been up to lately:

·         Trying to find time to memorize 2 songs and play them well before my piano lesson. If I don’t practice and put in the time, it’s the most miserable hour!

·         Reading Anna Karenina for book club

·         Reading 50 Shades Darker well past midnight

·         Doing Colossians Bible Study with Good Morning Girls.

All of this in the midst of diapers, dishes, caring for a messed up shoulder, trying to stay connected with my man, and sleep… Sleep..haven’t seen her in a long time.

Rattle this cage

There are moments when I’m dying to write.

But I know the piece I produce will hurt.

So I internalize, deal with my sad, repressed state.

Every so often I just want to throw things.

Rattle this cage.

Howl.

Roar.

Growl.



William John Huggins
A Lion



Unfortunately, I emit in other ways.

In rolling my eyes,

In offhanded remarks

In my looks of contempt.

Disappointment written all over my face.



William John Huggins
A Tiger and a Serpent



In the end, I hurt them anyways.

The words were never said.

But my language is never clearer than when I’m trying so hard not to speak.

Harvest Moon

Seve has been taking Drewbie to school lately and it's been a nice break for me in the morning. Today however, I needed to take Drewbie to school since Seve had a meeting offsite. I was bit annoyed that I had to wake up earlier and be get myself ready in a small amount of time.

When I made the left turn to the road that takes Drewbie to school I was greeted by an amazing harvest moon. It was sure a sight to see. One that I'll not forget. It was so peaceful and surreal seeing the moon during daylight. It was moments like this that God presents himself to me and says, "I am with you.."

So blessed we are to have this glorious and amazing life.

I met my sister for the first time about 4 years ago

I met my sister for the first time about 4 years ago.
She had never known about me. That her daddy was married before that he had another daughter.
She cried. She thought I would take her dolls away.

I stepped into my father's new home. I felt replaced. As if I was a defective product and returned.

I slowly opened my heart and found forgiveness in the midst of playing with Barbies and dancing in the living room with a small me. She was a treasure. So innocent so sweet. So much like me. How could this be? We had the same eyes, the same heart. She is a second chance. She is the shining light that leads us all. This small miracle that reads to her dolls on the majesty of outer space.

After two days, I feel I've overstayed. I am an intruder.

My stepmom remembers my birthday. My father doesn't. Too many more other important things in his brain to think on.

They bring me a cake, my sister laughs her beautiful glorious laugh of excitement. I blow out the candles and blow out the flame of bitterness. There is nothing here for me except good tidings and cheer. I accept. I accept the love.

Devasted.that.I.am.even.worthy.of.this.

My husband and I are on the plane going home. As we descend we are thrilled to see our friends come pick us up at the airport. We laugh on the way to their house.

It's on their front porch I see it. A rainbow. God's promise. God's glorious love. I feel it. All that is and all that was is right. I am exactly where I need to be. All is right with the world. I feel God's pleasure in the current state of affairs. So blessed we are. So loved.

I get the pictures back from our trip. I smile as I see a little me in her eyes. I am in love with this sweet beautiful girl I get to call my sister.

I am so glad to have known this love. How sweet to have a sister. That someone knows me so well without ever having known me at all..

The End..

Thank you Lori for this inpirational post...

At the end. How do I want this thing to end?

At the end of this life, I want my husband to remember me with love.

He will say that I was a wonderful joy to be around.

The light in his world.

The one that made everything ok.

Our love was what kept him going through all the messes, the pain, the disappointments, the madness.

In the end I would like him to say that it was all worth it.

He wouldn’t want to do this life with anyone else.

 ------------------

At the end of this life, I want my children to remember me smiling with joy always.

I hope to instill excellence in everything they do: whether it’s going to school or going to the laundromat. It’s not important to get the best grades or to be the highest achiever. What’s most important is who you are on this inside. Your true self that exudes whether you like it or not. True success is honoring everyone around you. Showing gratitude and kindness to the person ringing up your groceries or the person who delivers your mail. I’d much rather they surround themselves with well rounded individuals of all sorts who are positive and uplifting rather than  be amongst  their peers who are in the same education level or industry. I want them to have confidence to be who they are and love themselves unconditionally. I want them most of all to know that they are loved beyond their capacity to understand. We have but a short time on this earth. In this short time it’s imperative that we love one another and “consider others better than ourselves” (Phil 2:3). In this brief moment, make it count; not in a souped up resume but in a loving home where love is the highest goal, where the spirit of the Lord resides freely.

For me, in the end, there is only one word that gives me utmost joy. In the end I just want Peace. Peace in my soul.

I would like to thank Lori for the inspiration behind this post & Gitzengirl for the artwork.

ALONE .. what to do?? what to do??

So Seve is out with the boys tonight. Drewlbug is sleepy-poo. I am all by myself with my thoughts.
Lots to clean and organize and unfinished projects to complete...

But, I'd rather read my favorite blogs.. listen to music, find stuff to eat, drink wine & just think about doing something productive..
Oh the hangover is going kick my butt on that one..

Hey, check out this book review from Mighty Girl. Maggie never fails to inspire me to catch up on my reading list. She also makes me ADD more books to the already overwhelmingly LONG list.

"Annie Dillard has said that day by day you have to give the work before you all the best stuff you have, not saving up for later projects."

This is my new mantra, mission statement, theme - whatever the word is nowadays.

Birds on the Wall

Welcome to my craft corner.

I saw these bird decals on a website and they wanted some crazy amount for it! So, I decided to make ‘em myself!  I was so in love.

I went to Walmart and saw room décor circle decals on clearance for $1.00.. SCORE!!!
At that point I knew God loved me.

I found some bird silhoute clip art and enlarged them as much as I could on the copier settings. Each 8X10 paper had a different bird decal design on it.

I got the decals out, traced them and cut them out. I used only the largest circle decals

I even used the adhesive white backing as an extra decal. I stuck em on the wall with masking tape folded over on the back. I am so pleased with the project. It costs a minimal amount and the fact that my hands made ‘em makes my heart so happy. I see them every day in my living room and they remind me to:

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26 (NIV)

So the birds.. okay.. for some reason Seve and I have this cosmic magnet on us to attract fledging birds. We’ve had more birds show up on our doorstep than we can count. They are always hurt or have fallen out of the nest or something. Steve and I have had to build a makeshift nest for them and pray that the momma bird comes for them, we have had to take one to a wildlife rehabilitation place, we have had to save one from a cat, we’ve had to catch one flying around the house.. it’s CRAZY. CRAZY I tell you.

We’ve tried and tried and tried to figure out this phenomenon. Most times I think it’s God telling me not worry about everything so much. I asked him to take care  of it in prayer and he will, according to his will and his timeline.

Then I read something that stopped the world for me.

I realized the birds represent me. It’s me that’s forgotten how to fly. It’s my fear  which keeps me from my dreams. The fear that has paralyzed me from childhood. So I sit, and I pray and try to find the strength to be myself; all of me, not just a sliver of what I think is the best part. All of me: the good, the bad, the OCD..Here is where the work begins. The forgiveness work. The hardest work of all. The type of work that makes me run far… Oh but how I want his anointing in my life. How I need his blessing. It becomes clear, crystal clear that I must endure and allow the pain to leave me. Go through it all even though it’s hard and there’s suffering. In the end, I have to learn, I am “fearfully and wonderfully made; [HIS] works are wonderful..”
Psalm 139:13-15

I leave you with a song and singer close to my heart. Enjoy.

http://youtu.be/JB2I5refJec

I shoulda turned left

Here it is. My blog. A place to rant, rave and obsess about the things I shoulda said and done.
I have issues to letting it all out there.
But... Writing is my best therapy. This is my most powerful gift. This is where I will document the good, the bad, the raw, the ugly.
I will use this as a tool to show how far I've come and gauge how far I must go.
So let me explain the title.
I hate driving.
Just.Freaking.Hate.IT.
I can't drive. It took me six times and 3 years to get my license. Yes. 6 times. I shall explain each experience in excrutiating detail in future posts. For now, just know that I can't drive... mostly because I have no sense of direction.
Whenever I think I should turn right, I shoulda really turned left and end up getting lost on my way home... and I've taken the same route for the last 3 years.
But somehow, someway, I find my way. I don't know how. But I do. Most times I don't need to look, things just find me.
Welcome to my adventure.