Lost

Ok, so here's the thing.

I lost my child yesterday.. while walking around in my neighborhood.

And the award for worst mommy goes to .... ME!

We took a normal walk around the retention pond area. It's a normal circle of a little less than a mile. We've done this route many times before.. with our dog, Sahsha. My son explores the trees. He finds odd  paw prints and plays a game of going ahead of me and I catch up. He goes really fast, catches his breath, I eventually catch up and he can hardly keep up after two rounds of those sprints.

He turned the corner, I didn't see him until I turned that corner, he was running.. I thought he would explore the rocks in the ravine... like he always did.

I got closer, and closer and didn't see him.

I looked around the hill and STILL didn't see him.

Before the panic took me somewhere where I couldn't breathe, couldn't think rationally, I prayed that God would keep him safe and help him find his way.

A peace washed over me. The peace the surpasses understanding and doesn't let me sit in a corner and rock back and forth.

Then... I didn't see him playing by the rocks, I looked everywhere I knew.. OH MY GOD! I can't find him. OH MY GOD! I have to call my husband and tell him what a sorry piece of shit I am and I lost our child.

Holy FUCK! Sheer cold dread washed over me.

I called... no fucking answer... dammit! My imagination ran the fuck away and ... oh. no.


I ran into the street, screaming my boy's name in a manic frantic fucking panic.. DREW!! DREW!!! DREW!!!

Cars stopped and slowed as I ran crazy in the street looking up and down, surely I will die right now of a heart attack. I called my husband again... and he answered with, "Drew's home."

Oh, my god. I was torn between peaceful relief and sheer terror of what could have happened to him.

On the walk home, I wasn't sure if I was going to hug him and praise him for finding his way home or beat the crap outta him for running away from me.

I've been working on writing this story for a couple days and I wanted to end it with a moral, a quote, something to tie it up with a pretty bow and say everything will be alright.

Truth is, some days suck. Some days I fail miserably. Some days I'm lost in the "what-ifs."

What if I never saw him again? What if he ran into the street with an oncoming vehicle? What if?

I.can't.even.

Reflections from Happy Hour

I do my best to explain to them the joys of parenthood:

You may think you understand love, but you have no idea how exquisite it is to have your heart open up when your baby smiles at you. 

The days are long, the nights are longer, but the years fly by. 

The most beautiful clothes and finest jewelry are worthless as you walk through the door and those tiny feet sprint down the hall as their laugh and joy tackle you to the ground. 

The adventure is worth every sacrifice. 

My son has given my life such meaning, such significance. 

I cease to remember what this life was before his beautiful face. 

The truth is, we're not here to guide them; They're the teachers. 
If we step back, listen, let them lead, we catch glimpses of heaven. 

Those small still moments are worth.... everything. 

They smile, nod their head politely, take another swig of their overpriced mixed drink.

We move on to another topic...

I gaze around the room, misty eyed. By the time I get home my little man will be in bed.

Ahh, but when he wakes up, I'll be the only hug he runs for. I'm the favorite ice cream. I'm the superhero, I'm the most amazing, the smartest, the best...My kisses have healing magic, I'm the best friend... for right now anyways.

I dare not miss it.

I became my dad yesterday

I became my dad yesterday.
I'm riddled with guilt and insufferable sadness
The abused became the abuser.
I didn't lash out with voilence or anything

I gave the look. I said the words
The violent devastating words that hurt more than the worst beating.

I made my son feel small and dejected.
He didn't meet my expectations.
I was ashamed... my stupid arrogance got the better of me.
My puffed up pride.

I thought I had transcended from this place.
I saw the moment of who he would be, who he could be, the lights, the glamour, the stories to write, the awards to win.

But he couldn't take the step, he didn't want to.
I couldn't force him.

And I was so disappointed.
I should have behaved differently.
I should have been better

I could have. But I walked away, washed my hands.
All these years of running and fighting to not be this.. this rotten bad seed.

Here I am standing in the same place.
Today is new, and I start over and realize how much further I have to go.

That I never took the step.
I didn't want to.