1978: HELLO!
1979-1982: No recollections. Stories captured: Father was in the armed forces in South America. We moved around a lot. He decided to flee the socialist government and when he was successful, he coordinated our travel to another country.
1982-1986: Small still memories of living in Suriname , now Dutch Guyana. I liked my dolls and imitating my mother. She was not very amused most of the time. She was never really happy. I don’t remember smiles or laughter.
1986: Traveled on a plane to come to America . I wore a pretty blue outfit with eyelet designs. Stayed with my aunt and uncle. Then moved into an apartment across the street. Discovered TV. Been hooked ever since.
1987: School. Lots of kids that are clean, pretty with nice matching clothes that don’t smell.
I realize
I don’t fit in.
I hate myself.
I hate my family for putting me in this position.
1988: My grandparents come to America and live in the same duplex. My aunts are so fun and so beautiful. Home life rough. Parents always fighting. I run away to my grandparent’s place. They let me know very quickly I do not belong. I am not welcomed. What is wrong with me?
1990: I am smart. Very smart. I get sucked into the world of books, reading and studying. So happy and joyful. I live so many lives in my books.
1991: Moved into a house.. A HOUSE!! WOW!! Not an apartment with just a hallway for my room. WOW!! I have a room.. with a door and a lock!!! WOW!
Start at a new school. Not sure what’s happening to my studies. I’m becoming average.. normal.. no longer excellent. I struggle to keep up. I am drowning.
I meet my best friend. I start high school
1992 - 1994: Still struggling with school. No one cares though. It’s no longer fun to accomplish high marks. Now it’s expected. That’s the thing about perfection. You have to continue and keep up with it. It’s really hard. Lost motivation. Music is my only escape. Most days are go to school. Come home. Watch TV. Eat dinner. In silence. Starved for attention. Need affection, comfort. Love. Boys seem to like me. They think I’m pretty. Obsession. Got the internet. Met him. He showed me true love. He helped me understand how unique and special I was. He pulled me out of depression. Parents found out about him. Forbid me to talk to him. Spiral back down. Mother is overhearing and cruel. I can’t listen to her tell me how much she hates me anymore.
Suicide attempt.
Mother kicked out of the house.
Can’t wait to go to college. Decide to choose the one farthest away.
Parents divorce for the last time.
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| The Scream by Edvard Munch |
1994: Victimized by a family member. Went off to college. Freedom. Finally. I belong. Father is getting married. She’s pregnant. I have been rejected/replaced. I was the draft version of his life.
1995: Boyfriends, partying, probation. Father cuts me off from college funding. Forced to drop out. Have no skills to figure out how to do it on my own.
1996-1999: Move in with a friend in Alexandria, VA. Eventually find my own place. Couple different jobs. Lived with boyfriend. Landed the best job in the world at an airline company. The world is my oyster. JOY.
September 11, 2001 – The day was mass confusion, heartbreak, fear. The world is ending. I lose my job 2 weeks later. I move to Houston with friends. I decide to rebuild my life and start praying.
June 2002 – Met the man of my dreams.
September 2003 – We join a church.
May 2004 – Married the man of my dreams.
September 2006 – Land a job that I could really make a career.
February 2007 – Mother passes away tragically in a fire.
March 2008 – Purchased our home!
April 2009 - Completed a 40-day fast. The Lord revealed himself to me in so many glorious ways. I was changed forever. Reset.
April 2009 - Completed a 40-day fast. The Lord revealed himself to me in so many glorious ways. I was changed forever. Reset.
February 2010 – Gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.
2011 – Contemplate my career, my life and pray that I am doing what’s right for my son.
2012 – Received acceptance from my father. Learned to finally accept and love myself as I am. Once I loved myself, love came pouring in from everywhere. Peace surrounds. My soul… opened up.
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| The Annunciation by John William Waterhouse |
Wow! What an incredible journey you've had so far! Thank you for sharing so honestly about your experiences. I'm so sad for the hard parts, but so happy to read that wasn't the end.
ReplyDeleteAnd of course, I love what you said about perfection - the thing about it is that you have to keep it up. So true.