Priceless

New shoes for an interview: $79.99
Suntan Nylons: $2.50
Styling gel to control my curly hair frizz: $3.50
New wardrobe for a new job: $367.15
Not dreading another Monday morning: PRICELESS!
Having a week off before I start: AMAZING!

Belong

It was 3AM the other night. Drewbie-doo was screaming like crazy. Daddy tried to comfort him but he needed mommy. He wanted it to be "morning". He was inconsolable for awhile.

Then we brought him into bed with us. Finally after much shuffling and contorting ourselves into crazy positions, he fell asleep.

I got a glimpse of his profile in the dark.... and I remembered why I never slept those first weeks of him being born. I was back there 3 years ago, fascinated with his beautiful face, his presence. I couldn't stop staring at him. I couldn't believe he was real. So real. I couldn't fathom.. this...this.. this... came from me?


He's in the living room now, having a "picnic" of cheese-itz and peanut butter crackers, watching Toy Story... again.
I am so blessed to be a mother, to create life, to relive my childhood in glorious ways through his eyes.

So glad I got startled awake that night. It helps me be so thankful for the sleep I get to have 98% of the time and I got to remember and smile at those first few months.

I belong here. Right here. Right now. Everything is as it should be.

Aging

Aging

Those days when your metabolism says, "No, I will not perform like I did when you were in your 20s."

When the buldge just won't go away

Unless you completely stop eating

Some days, the thought is not that appalling.

 

 

Another day, another gray hair

Thank goodness for a $7.00 bottle of hair color.

With undisclosed chemicals I'd rather not know about.

 

 

Sunday morning routine:

Try to find something that doesn't make me look frumpy

Cry

Repeat

 

 

When marriage changes dramatically

from rainbows and sunshine

to roommates occupying space

each of us wondering how we got here

 

 

When you realize, happiness and comfort

Are not the goals

 

 

The depressing moment

When you realize

The work involved

In serving

Others

 

 

Sure, it's noble.

Yes, it's right

The rewards are far off and worth it

I know, I know.

 

 

Evolving into another being

Painful to say the least

Necessary

but heartbreaking

To leave her behind.

 

 

 

Work

It's been crazy here.
Stress makes my hair fall out by the handfuls
The words send chills down my spine: restructuring, reorganizing, rebranding.
Work. Corporate America.
The things I thought would make me happy and a success have disappointed... again.

I thought I was valued, important.
What I do... doesn't matter

I am a dispensable asset.
People who I thought were my friends, were enemies all along
I was just being used.

Didn't think I'd be here again.
Didn't think I would have given a part of my heart to this job.
But I did.

Now I'm hurt and pained at their betrayal.

"Don't take it personal," they say, but I do. It IS personal.

It DOES matter.

Once again, I question my goals, my career, and realize this isn't where I want to be. This isn't what I want to do.

There are new opportunities on the horizon.
There are probably things out there that will make me so much happier, more fulfilled.

Here in the trenches, it's hard to see the light.

Book Review: I'm No Angel

I'm No Angel by Kylie Bisutti

Many thanks to Tyndale Publishing for sending me a complimentary copy of I'm No Angel by Kylie Bisutti.

Kylie's memoir gave a front row seat to the world of modeling from the bottom all the way to when she became a Victoria's Secret Angel. It was a fascinating piece and also heartbreaking to see what these young girls go through all for the pursuit of being beautiful.

Kylie learned her true worth in Christ Jesus. The scriptures before every chapter were spot on. A very quick read and ... yes.. she DOES tell you what Victoria's Secret is.

The real hero in the story is her husband Mike. He treated her with respect, allowed her to follow her dreams even when he knew it wasn't in her best interest or in the best interest of their new marriage. He fought his battles with prayer. He asked the Lord to open his wife's eyes. It was his example that really left an impression. "...The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective," James 5:16.



The best parts of the book:

"I believe God allowed me to walk through the fire and see the best and the worst the industry had to offer so I could come out on the other side stronger and wiser, with my eyes fully opened to the truth. And now I believe He is calling me to share what I’ve learned, with the hope that other people won’t have to learn the hard way, as I did."

"But deep down, both of us desperately longed for the glamorous life we imagined Victoria's Secret Angels led - the attention, the fashion, the fame. I had no idea yet how empty and unsatisfying that lifestyle could be."



"Mike sat beside me, took my hand, and prayed - for us, for our day together, and for the many days we hoped to share together down the road. I don't know if it was the summer sunshine, God's sovereignty, or simply being this close to the man I loved, but I couldn't remember ever feeling so happy, so safe, and so loved as I did in that moment."

"I knew that Photoshop was used to get rid f blemishes or scars for print ads - especially for closeups - but I had no idea they would completely alter the way a model's body looked. Even when I'd dropped all the way down to 108 pounds my waist hadn't been that tiny."

"As Mike held me and I shared my dawning realization with him, I could practically feel the relief pulsing through his arms.
    'Thank God, baby.' He gently rocked me back and forth. 'I've been praying so hard for you. I knew God would open your eyes to the truth. I just knew it.'"

brain dump 1

This is a space I've reserved to dump all the things taking up space in my brain and lay them at the feet of this world.
In the end, I hope this practice releases me from all its entanglements and suffocation.

Void and loss

It's here.. right here in this chest, in my full belly, in my thunder thighs.

SHE.

Guilt sets in, then anger, then disappointment... then depression

SHE.WAS.THE.WORST.

You know who. I dare not say it.out.loud.

Dead all these years and she's still here haunting my very soul

pity when they die, they still don't leave.

They infiltrate dreams, decisions, words said in haste.

Oh how I wish she'd just die.

Oh what freedom it would give to me.

Alas, freedom isn't free.. isn't that the saying?
It requires bloodshed, sacrifice and more bloodshed.

Samson and Delilah by Peter Paul Rubens

HE.

doesn't see me.

All this time I tried not to admit it.

Lots of words said

Stunning silence of the words most longed for

Shared room and bed

Empty void of disappointment.

Day after day.

Forged tenderness
Shove myself in a place he doesn't seem to want

Too much talk,

No actions.

He doesn't want me.

Penthouse suite,
Beauty surrounding,
Sea beside us

But no cohesion.
Just excuses and resentment.
Resentment turned to bitterness
Bitterness into acceptance

And waiting.. just waiting.
For the silent Adam to become a man.

In the dark.

Friend

Today's 5 Minute Friday prompt: Friend

It's the pair of ragged pajamas that warm my soul;
The hot cup of cocoa after a long cold day
The smile of a stranger walking by
The million books I still need to read.
The ones that I go back to now and again.
The New York Times arts section
Pachelbel's Canon in D
It's the man who chose to call me his wife
It's the person that comes running when I've had enough of a crying child all day
It's my God that sustains me.

here I am... again

I made some remark about him not getting the milk last night.

He was disappointed in me again.

 “Why are you so mean?” he asks.

I seriously don’t know.

He’s so good. Genuine. Likable. Humble

I’m so rotten, a bad seed.

 

Sometimes I just need confirmation

Validation

That he too can fall.

But he doesn’t.

He never does.

I struggle to catch up

Trying to be good

Failing miserably

After

It's Five Minute Friday..

Yes, I realize it is Saturday.



Today's prompt: After

It was the moment when I finally got what I wanted:
REVENGE.
I had been planning, waiting, executing for years.
All for this one sweet moment.
I thought I would revel to see their suffering
I thought it would give me such great joy
To see Karma do its thing.
All I really feel is.. pity.
Wasted.
Silly
I spent a half a lifetime... for THIS?
Unfortunate.
We're all the same aren't we?
Broken bits and pieces of what we once were..
what we could've been.
If I had just learned to forgive
From the beginning...
Then I wouldn't feel so empty.
If I could just let go
And allow healing then I wouldn't be here..
Trying to figure out my next move.
For that ultimate high.

Easter 2013 -- "I Happy!"

It was a lovely day. A Sunday morning. We put everything together for Easter.

Set up the camera and tripod.

Little boy blue was thrilled. We blew bubbles, he squealed with delight.

We laughed in the light of the morning sun…In the day of our risen Savior.

 

I got some cute PJs to lounge around in the house. Black ones with polka dots!! I love them forever.

I got my man some Aqua Di Gio cologne. A scent that brings me back to 10 years ago.. the years of adventures, road trips, the beach, the silent conversations, the passion of life.

 

We went to church, a little 3 month old baby with fat cheeks studied me until he discovered my newly sparkly painted red nails that were his obsession throughout the service. Prayed for that family and all the people that worked this event to make it amazing.

 

Then it was nap time for the boys and time for me to make the pie. The amazing banana caramel pie that makes me shout Halleluiah!!

 

Little boy blue played in his crib and would have none of this naptime business. We wait for the rain to slow down, load up the car and head over the Grandma’s.

 

The children play and chase each other.

 

We sit down together for dinner.

We pray.

Little boy blue has us pray two more times while he leads in his Drewberish. We understand a little as he thanks the Lord for Mimi, Mummy and Daddy. He proclaims AMEN with the fervor of an old school baptist minister. We laugh. He looks around and says, “I HAPPY!”

 

We laugh again. We nod. Yes, we’re happy too.  

So happy.