Invincible summer

The love of a good man:
He wakes up in the midst of cold mornings and illness.
Warms up my car
Defrosts and scrapes the ice off my windows
Packs it with all the essentials before I head off to work


On these brutal cold mornings, his actions warm my insides
I find within me an invincible summer…

WRITE

"It’s time to silence the inner critic.
It’s time to hush the voice that whines on and on about how you’re no good.
It’s time to cram out the distractions and excuses and take pen to paper, keyboard to screen and write.
It’s time to write.

We call it Five Minute Friday.

Where everyone writes for five, unedited minutes all on the same prompt.
This week, that prompt is the challenge itself, the dare, the scary.

This week’s prompt is 'WRITE.'"

----

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”  -Anais Nin

It was probably in middle school when I saw the high school production of Jesus Christ Superstar. I had a crush on the guy that played Judas.

In the second act, the character sings a reprise of "I Don't Know How to Love Him." He's tormented by his act of betrayal; disgusted with himself and executes one of the most painful, beautiful lines:

"Does he love, DOES HE LOVE ME TOO?!!"

Out comes the cry of my heart.

I didn't know the words I was asking all those years when I questioned life, Jesus, Grace. I could never put it into words until that moment.
Does HE love me:
The bad seed, the black sheep, the cast off?
Does He love me TOO?
Could he?

I finally came to understand GRACE in that one line.

I heard myself  in Judas and I accepted HIM into my heart finally. I believed.. sure, but never REALLY let Him in.

That's when I fell in love with theater.

There was magic on that stage. In the darkness I saw the light. In the stage, I saw myself.  There was magic in the song, in the voice, in the script. I've been in love ever since.

That one scene still comes to mind every so often.

SHE

SHE

 

She hated me.

From the minute I was born.

I took her away from him.

I was now the most fairest of all.

No one noticed her anymore

No one cared.

 

She hated me.

She made sure I knew it.

With every word and every scorn

Every look.

I was the competition

 

She worked and worked to beat me down

She found every weapon to use against me

She knew what I loved and destroyed it.

 

Now she's dead.

Somehow she' still here

In my head.

 

 

 

 

RED

Today's prompt: RED

I see red when  I think of her.
She was my friend .. or I thought she was.
We went to birthday parties together
I stayed over her house
She shared her feelings of inferiority
Living in a rented condo and the rest of us living in houses
I dismissed her worries. No one cared.
We got older, went to middle school
She became two faced.
Spread rumors
Told the other girls I called them a bitch
Had to fend off the fights
The hateful stares
She made fun of my coat.. handed down to me
Never did keep me warm in the bitter winters of Connecticut.
I lost it once, the coat, I mean.
And by the afternoon I found it on the ground in front of my locker
Along with my books and notebooks.
She moved on to a private high school.
Called me and had to tell me she applied to the top notch schools..
I chuckled.
I knew it didn't matter
No matter how educated she thought she was, she was still trash.
She knew it too.

One day..

One day..
One day I'll wake up and make breakfast and it'll be a peaceful, beautiful escape.
Classical music playing in the background. I'll be overlooking my English garden
I'll read my books of poetry by the moonlight
I'll finally smile.

Today, there's whining toddlers whose sticky hands drive me to run away in the middle of the night
Today, there's a man I call who is not there. He disappears to feed his addictions lamenting on how unfair this world is to him.
I read the school newsletter and try to find something with the letter B.
It takes every bit of my brain


One day my home will be immaculate, pristine, beautiful.
One day I can wake up and have the TV all to myself.
I can work out, dance, laugh, and read ALONE in my living room.

Today, the carpets are nasty with stains that only boys can make
Today, I live in a clutter of matchbox cars, legos and half eaten pop tarts.
Today the TV is monopolized by football of Disney movies for 16 hours.
Today I just can never be alone

One day, there won't be the pitter patter of little feet
The dog will be somber and stay in the sun all day
One day all this will be quiet.
The dishwasher won't run every day
This man will bring me toast and tea and we'll sit on the swing
In front of the house and watch life go by

One day we will miss all these days in the trenches
One day we'll wish we enjoyed these moments
We'll tell the young parents, "it goes by fast.."
They'll roll their eyes like we did.

One day we'll wish for these days again.

Priceless

New shoes for an interview: $79.99
Suntan Nylons: $2.50
Styling gel to control my curly hair frizz: $3.50
New wardrobe for a new job: $367.15
Not dreading another Monday morning: PRICELESS!
Having a week off before I start: AMAZING!

Belong

It was 3AM the other night. Drewbie-doo was screaming like crazy. Daddy tried to comfort him but he needed mommy. He wanted it to be "morning". He was inconsolable for awhile.

Then we brought him into bed with us. Finally after much shuffling and contorting ourselves into crazy positions, he fell asleep.

I got a glimpse of his profile in the dark.... and I remembered why I never slept those first weeks of him being born. I was back there 3 years ago, fascinated with his beautiful face, his presence. I couldn't stop staring at him. I couldn't believe he was real. So real. I couldn't fathom.. this...this.. this... came from me?


He's in the living room now, having a "picnic" of cheese-itz and peanut butter crackers, watching Toy Story... again.
I am so blessed to be a mother, to create life, to relive my childhood in glorious ways through his eyes.

So glad I got startled awake that night. It helps me be so thankful for the sleep I get to have 98% of the time and I got to remember and smile at those first few months.

I belong here. Right here. Right now. Everything is as it should be.

Aging

Aging

Those days when your metabolism says, "No, I will not perform like I did when you were in your 20s."

When the buldge just won't go away

Unless you completely stop eating

Some days, the thought is not that appalling.

 

 

Another day, another gray hair

Thank goodness for a $7.00 bottle of hair color.

With undisclosed chemicals I'd rather not know about.

 

 

Sunday morning routine:

Try to find something that doesn't make me look frumpy

Cry

Repeat

 

 

When marriage changes dramatically

from rainbows and sunshine

to roommates occupying space

each of us wondering how we got here

 

 

When you realize, happiness and comfort

Are not the goals

 

 

The depressing moment

When you realize

The work involved

In serving

Others

 

 

Sure, it's noble.

Yes, it's right

The rewards are far off and worth it

I know, I know.

 

 

Evolving into another being

Painful to say the least

Necessary

but heartbreaking

To leave her behind.

 

 

 

Work

It's been crazy here.
Stress makes my hair fall out by the handfuls
The words send chills down my spine: restructuring, reorganizing, rebranding.
Work. Corporate America.
The things I thought would make me happy and a success have disappointed... again.

I thought I was valued, important.
What I do... doesn't matter

I am a dispensable asset.
People who I thought were my friends, were enemies all along
I was just being used.

Didn't think I'd be here again.
Didn't think I would have given a part of my heart to this job.
But I did.

Now I'm hurt and pained at their betrayal.

"Don't take it personal," they say, but I do. It IS personal.

It DOES matter.

Once again, I question my goals, my career, and realize this isn't where I want to be. This isn't what I want to do.

There are new opportunities on the horizon.
There are probably things out there that will make me so much happier, more fulfilled.

Here in the trenches, it's hard to see the light.

Book Review: I'm No Angel

I'm No Angel by Kylie Bisutti

Many thanks to Tyndale Publishing for sending me a complimentary copy of I'm No Angel by Kylie Bisutti.

Kylie's memoir gave a front row seat to the world of modeling from the bottom all the way to when she became a Victoria's Secret Angel. It was a fascinating piece and also heartbreaking to see what these young girls go through all for the pursuit of being beautiful.

Kylie learned her true worth in Christ Jesus. The scriptures before every chapter were spot on. A very quick read and ... yes.. she DOES tell you what Victoria's Secret is.

The real hero in the story is her husband Mike. He treated her with respect, allowed her to follow her dreams even when he knew it wasn't in her best interest or in the best interest of their new marriage. He fought his battles with prayer. He asked the Lord to open his wife's eyes. It was his example that really left an impression. "...The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective," James 5:16.



The best parts of the book:

"I believe God allowed me to walk through the fire and see the best and the worst the industry had to offer so I could come out on the other side stronger and wiser, with my eyes fully opened to the truth. And now I believe He is calling me to share what I’ve learned, with the hope that other people won’t have to learn the hard way, as I did."

"But deep down, both of us desperately longed for the glamorous life we imagined Victoria's Secret Angels led - the attention, the fashion, the fame. I had no idea yet how empty and unsatisfying that lifestyle could be."



"Mike sat beside me, took my hand, and prayed - for us, for our day together, and for the many days we hoped to share together down the road. I don't know if it was the summer sunshine, God's sovereignty, or simply being this close to the man I loved, but I couldn't remember ever feeling so happy, so safe, and so loved as I did in that moment."

"I knew that Photoshop was used to get rid f blemishes or scars for print ads - especially for closeups - but I had no idea they would completely alter the way a model's body looked. Even when I'd dropped all the way down to 108 pounds my waist hadn't been that tiny."

"As Mike held me and I shared my dawning realization with him, I could practically feel the relief pulsing through his arms.
    'Thank God, baby.' He gently rocked me back and forth. 'I've been praying so hard for you. I knew God would open your eyes to the truth. I just knew it.'"

brain dump 1

This is a space I've reserved to dump all the things taking up space in my brain and lay them at the feet of this world.
In the end, I hope this practice releases me from all its entanglements and suffocation.

Void and loss

It's here.. right here in this chest, in my full belly, in my thunder thighs.

SHE.

Guilt sets in, then anger, then disappointment... then depression

SHE.WAS.THE.WORST.

You know who. I dare not say it.out.loud.

Dead all these years and she's still here haunting my very soul

pity when they die, they still don't leave.

They infiltrate dreams, decisions, words said in haste.

Oh how I wish she'd just die.

Oh what freedom it would give to me.

Alas, freedom isn't free.. isn't that the saying?
It requires bloodshed, sacrifice and more bloodshed.

Samson and Delilah by Peter Paul Rubens

HE.

doesn't see me.

All this time I tried not to admit it.

Lots of words said

Stunning silence of the words most longed for

Shared room and bed

Empty void of disappointment.

Day after day.

Forged tenderness
Shove myself in a place he doesn't seem to want

Too much talk,

No actions.

He doesn't want me.

Penthouse suite,
Beauty surrounding,
Sea beside us

But no cohesion.
Just excuses and resentment.
Resentment turned to bitterness
Bitterness into acceptance

And waiting.. just waiting.
For the silent Adam to become a man.

In the dark.

Friend

Today's 5 Minute Friday prompt: Friend

It's the pair of ragged pajamas that warm my soul;
The hot cup of cocoa after a long cold day
The smile of a stranger walking by
The million books I still need to read.
The ones that I go back to now and again.
The New York Times arts section
Pachelbel's Canon in D
It's the man who chose to call me his wife
It's the person that comes running when I've had enough of a crying child all day
It's my God that sustains me.

here I am... again

I made some remark about him not getting the milk last night.

He was disappointed in me again.

 “Why are you so mean?” he asks.

I seriously don’t know.

He’s so good. Genuine. Likable. Humble

I’m so rotten, a bad seed.

 

Sometimes I just need confirmation

Validation

That he too can fall.

But he doesn’t.

He never does.

I struggle to catch up

Trying to be good

Failing miserably

After

It's Five Minute Friday..

Yes, I realize it is Saturday.



Today's prompt: After

It was the moment when I finally got what I wanted:
REVENGE.
I had been planning, waiting, executing for years.
All for this one sweet moment.
I thought I would revel to see their suffering
I thought it would give me such great joy
To see Karma do its thing.
All I really feel is.. pity.
Wasted.
Silly
I spent a half a lifetime... for THIS?
Unfortunate.
We're all the same aren't we?
Broken bits and pieces of what we once were..
what we could've been.
If I had just learned to forgive
From the beginning...
Then I wouldn't feel so empty.
If I could just let go
And allow healing then I wouldn't be here..
Trying to figure out my next move.
For that ultimate high.

Easter 2013 -- "I Happy!"

It was a lovely day. A Sunday morning. We put everything together for Easter.

Set up the camera and tripod.

Little boy blue was thrilled. We blew bubbles, he squealed with delight.

We laughed in the light of the morning sun…In the day of our risen Savior.

 

I got some cute PJs to lounge around in the house. Black ones with polka dots!! I love them forever.

I got my man some Aqua Di Gio cologne. A scent that brings me back to 10 years ago.. the years of adventures, road trips, the beach, the silent conversations, the passion of life.

 

We went to church, a little 3 month old baby with fat cheeks studied me until he discovered my newly sparkly painted red nails that were his obsession throughout the service. Prayed for that family and all the people that worked this event to make it amazing.

 

Then it was nap time for the boys and time for me to make the pie. The amazing banana caramel pie that makes me shout Halleluiah!!

 

Little boy blue played in his crib and would have none of this naptime business. We wait for the rain to slow down, load up the car and head over the Grandma’s.

 

The children play and chase each other.

 

We sit down together for dinner.

We pray.

Little boy blue has us pray two more times while he leads in his Drewberish. We understand a little as he thanks the Lord for Mimi, Mummy and Daddy. He proclaims AMEN with the fervor of an old school baptist minister. We laugh. He looks around and says, “I HAPPY!”

 

We laugh again. We nod. Yes, we’re happy too.  

So happy.

Broken

"On Fridays around these parts we stop, drop, and write.
For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.
For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not."

Today's prompt: Broken

And the little boy sleeps.

Sweetly.

Knows nothing of this world

My brokenness

Just the sweet sound of rest

Someday he will be a man

It'll flash through my mind,

His first christmas

His first day of school

His big exam

The moment he receives his diploma

The day he marries

He'll know of My constant sadness

He'll know me.

But for now,

He sleeps

and I am.. perfect.

Remember

"On Fridays around these parts we stop, drop, and write.
For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.
For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not."

Today's prompt: REMEMBER

It's a new day
I am disengaging with my old self
It’s been a fun wild exciting ride.
It’s been a trying, heartbreaking, knock out climb.
Stop trying to fight the now

All the things I’ve needed, I have.
All I’ve ever wanted is here…

I need new eyes to see them.

I am Oedipus the King
Gouging my eyes out
With pins that hold up
My dead mother.

 

See with my heart
Love with my hands
Soothe with my words.
I remember too much of the past
I hold everyone accountable
For the things they no longer do
For the people they no longer are.

Forgetfullness – an amazing gift
A blessed curse

 

REST

"On Fridays around these parts we stop, drop, and write.
For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.
For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not."

Today's prompt: Rest

It was a beautiful Friday afternoon: I got my hair cut. I went to lunch at a lovely greek restaurant. My man and I watched a movie and took a little nap. It's a glorious beautiful day when I went to pick up my boy at school. We took a nice walk around the neighborhood. He and daddy are sitting in the living room playing with trains and tracks and it's a beautiful day of rest. Moments like these I need to remember. They need to sustain me when life is rough and the battle rages. For this moment, I try to be here.. now.

My Prayer Partner

This post inspired me to ask Kristen to be my prayer partner.

We started just about a month ago. Praying together via weekly emails has been a great blessing to my life. Kristen and I have known each other for years. We’ve done bible studies together along with being in a professional organization throughout our careers. We’ve celebrated, cried, laughed, griped and celebrated some more.

It’s been nice to have her as a prayer partner because she’s basically seen me at my worst and at my best. When I ask for prayer on particular issue in my marriage, she knows how irritating I can be with my constant perfectionist nature. She knows if the cast of characters around me don’t follow the script that I forgot to give them, it’s maddening to be around me. She knows which scripture to pray and asks the Lord to cover me with me with his peace. She gives wise counsel I know is from the Lord above.

 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:19-20

6 years ago..

I saw some bikes online in an ad for Target. Then I remembered:

The apartment on the 3rd floor. I was about  12 or 13 maybe. My dad bought me a bike. She couldn’t stand that I was given a gift for my birthday. If it wasn’t about her… well... it's nothing... she’s just hateful like that.

Her house was too clean. She couldn’t have a dirty nasty bike in there. She left it on the porch, unsecured. Of course it gets stolen. Of course she doesn’t care.

It was 6 years ago we laid her in her final resting place. I just thought I was free.. oh no. Every once in awhile these memories flood from a vile place. The angry self takes over; I become the person I hate the most. Squash it down once again before the real monster in me reveals herself.

Until next year without a thought, or a word, it tries to take me again.

 

Afraid

It's Five Minute Friday!

The rule: Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.

Today's prompt: AFRAID

Here we go!

------------------------

afraid, adj.

Afraid.. an emotion I’ve known for most of my life.

Childhood--

Afraid of:

getting a beating, getting in trouble, disappointing someone , maybe someone laughing at me.

Teenager –

Afraid of:
Wearing the wrong clothes yet again, saying the wrong thing yet again, disappointing someone

 20s--

Afraid of:
Being alone

 Present—

Afraid of:
Missing out by being a full time working mother.

Future-

Afraid of:
Not being there. Regretting the decisions of the now.

 

Don't miss it

It's been a rough couple weeks:
Sinus infection that turned into bronchitis that turned into pneumonia.
Days of laying down in bed.
Caught up on all the shows.
Caught up on my magazines.

It was a rough couple weeks. I felt miserable, depressed, sad... annoyed to be so unproductive.
Then a moment came upon me. I moved my head all around panaromic style and realized how blessed I am in this sweet shelter of my home, surrounded by glorious paintings, the love of a great, tender man and the little hands that hug me with all his might.
Oh those little hands.
Those sweet cheeks that balloon up when he smiles. Those dimples melt me every time!

Accomplishing tasks, to do list and goal setting has been my life since ... since I had a first memory. These weeks amid the hacking coughs, the misty haze behind the Kleenex, between nebulizer treatments and nasty cough medicines have revealed another deeper layer.

I catch a glimpse of it every so often but it's fleeting and all too short.

This hiatus helped me see something that I too often miss.

This job.. here at home... is the most important. I can't give my best to a world that is fickle and give the leftovers to the ones who matter most.

This world often will disappoint. This world won't remember that you need your medicine every four hours. This world won't tenderly attend to your needs when you're down. This world won't be there at the hour when you're about to give up.

This home and the people that encompass it, they are the ones who deserve my absolute hardest work.

It's a messy, crazy, chaotic place. It's maddening and heartbreaking. Mirrors show your imperfections all around. No hiding behind spanx or makeup. Just you, raw and real.

This man: whom I share a bed with, who I share air and space, he loves me... truly loves me and all my insanity. He believes in everything I do. He thinks I'm talented and bright. He forgives all my moments of fear and forgets they ever happened!

And that little boy's face: the joy that sends him running to me like crazy, his blanket whizzing behind him. My body may never be the same, but to him, I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, even when I'm at my worst. To him, I'm the super hero that can make bubbles. Right now, I'm his best friend, his favorite treat, his one true love. There is nothing like this love of a child. So surreal, so cosmic, so beautiful. A small glimpse of heaven it is.

How have I forgotten this beautiful gift?

The gift of motherhood, the gift of family, don't miss it.. for anything!